The last time a good friend was there for you, what did she do to help you feel better? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
For some reason that I still don’t quite understand, I’ve somehow become the go-to person for friends, family and even strangers when they have a problem. Maybe it’s because I usually dive right in with advice or solutions. However, a New York Times article made me rethink my ways.
Writer Jancee Dunn shared that her sister, an elementary school special education teacher, uses a certain strategy when a student gets overwhelmed or upset. She asks one question: “Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?”
She was highly upset about a situation with a guy she had been seeing. I’ve been there and done that, so my first instinct was to start dishing out advice. However, I took a breath and said it: 'Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?' She looked at me with surprise. Then was quiet for what felt like a full minute. 'I guess I want to be heard,' she replied.
Dunn suggested this question may work just as well with adults.
Putting it to the test
It makes sense, right? Rather than immediately trying to fix the issue, ask a person what they need first. Duh. Still, I was skeptical. To me, the line was a little corny, and I thought it wouldn’t sound right to say to someone.
I got the opportunity to try it when I met up with a relative for lunch. She was highly upset about a situation with a guy she had been seeing. I’ve been there and done that, so my first instinct was to start dishing out advice. However, I took a breath and said it: “Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?” She looked at me with surprise. Then was quiet for what felt like a full minute. “I guess I want to be heard,” she replied.
She talked through her stuff. I listened. And she solved her own problem.
It worked!
The magic of this question
Jamila Jones, a licensed clinical professional counselor and owner of Reclaiming Minds Therapy and Wellness in Chicago, says the “helped, heard or hugged” question can be effective for a particular reason. “This approach respects the person’s autonomy and emotional needs, offering them the space to express what they truly need in that moment,” she explains. Some folks might not even know what will make them feel better when they’re upset, so being asked this question may help them figure it out, she adds.
Checking whether someone wants help, a vent session or a hug benefits you too. “As women of color, we often feel the responsibility (or burden, depending on the person) of being the source of making things okay, which is a heavy weight to carry,” says Jones. “[This question] allows the person listening the freedom of not feeling obligated or responsible for ‘fixing’ everyone’s problems.”
“It can also alleviate the pressure of trying to guess the ‘right’ way to support your loved one,” she adds.
And this method can help strengthen relationships. “By asking, we ensure our response aligns with the person’s needs, which can foster deeper emotional connection and trust in the relationship,” says Jones.
Put your own spin on it
If you think the question seems a bit cheesy like I did, you can make it your own. “The key is to tailor the approach to your own communication style and the nature of your relationship with the person you’re supporting,” says Jones.
For example, I found a few varieties that felt more natural to me. With my sister, I said, “Do you need advice, want to talk about it or need a hug from your big sis?” One that worked with my husband was “What will help you feel better? Talking it out, me telling you what to do or a big ole’ hug?” The words may be different, but the gist of the question is still the same.
I’ve found that the “help, heard or hugged” technique works in all kinds of relationships — with kids, family, romantic partners, friends and even work colleagues (though I left out the hug part for that one).
Who knew something so simple could be a game-changer in how I show up for my people? Since putting the “help, heard or hugged” strategy into play, my role as the go-to person for venting has been way less stressful. And the people I ask the magical question seem more satisfied with my new way of showing support.
The last time a good friend was there for you, what did she do to help you feel better? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
