What's a good way to resolve a disagreement? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Uh oh, here we go again. If your relationship is anything like mine, you and your partner probably have fights about the same ole’ thing again and again. Whether it’s money, parenting, sex, or someone leaving their clothes on the bedroom floor, the same topics keep popping up.
The fights go nowhere. We lash out at one another. Say things we later regret. Then, make up. Everything is all good until, once again, that issue.
In an attempt to get off this merry-go-round, I read Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D., psychologists and co-founders of The Gottman Institute. They have researched relationships for 50 years (and have been married for more than 35). So they know.
To be clear, the goal isn’t to stop arguments completely. Instead, the Gottmans recommend seeing conflict as opportunities to learn more about yourself and your partner, and each other’s wants, needs, values and dreams. This can help you better understand each other. Conflict, when handled the right way, can also help you with getting what you want — whether that’s to feel more secure in the relationship, them pitching in with housework, having more date nights or something different.
Kiss and Make Up?
Some couples view physical intimacy as a positive closure to an argument. A 2020 study published in The Archives of Sexual Behavior found that “the implications of engaging in post-conflict sex are nuanced: although such sex is less enjoyable, it temporarily buffers relationship quality in that moment.” Myisha Battle is a certified clinical sexologist and sex and dating coach, educator, and speaker. The author of This is Supposed to Be Fun: How to Find Joy in Hooking Up, Settling Down, and Everything in Between cautions against using makeup sex as the sole means of conflict resolution. She told Time, “Given that sex is one of the many ways we bond, it can be seen as an easier way to shift from negative emotions that are stirred up in a flight. But those negative emotions may still be there even after you have sex if you don’t take the time to process them yourself and with your partner. I’ve worked with couples where this dynamic is present, and it can become very toxic over time.”
According to the Gottmans, changing up a few things during conflicts can make a couple closer and the relationship more satisfying.
Here’s some of what they suggest:
Check the start. Gottman research has shown the first three minutes of a fight set the tone for the entire conversation. Also, couples who start fights with negative emotions like criticism or contempt are more likely to break up. For a gentle start, follow the Gottmans’ formula: “I feel (emotions) about (situation/problem) and I need (your positive need).” So, “I’m sick and tired of you not cleaning up after yourself” becomes “I feel overwhelmed working and trying to juggle all of the household stuff. Can we talk about ways we can work together to keep the house clean?” This softer approach may help you actually accomplish something.
Ask and tell. The goal of a fight with your partner isn’t to win. The goal should be solving conflicts more collaboratively and positively. The Gottmans recommend couples allow each other to speak uninterrupted, really listen to what the partner says (not listen to respond), and ask for clarification when necessary. At the same time, it’s important to express your wants and needs. Don’t think your partner should figure it out or already know.
Add positivity to the fight. The Gottmans have found that couples with a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflicts are more likely to have a successful relationship. Of course, don’t count mid-fight. But even when you can’t stand to see your spouse’s face, make sure positives are happening, like expressing appreciation for one another or acknowledging when your honey is right.
Try (and accept) repair attempts. These are small actions that can help diffuse tension and lead conversations in a more positive direction. Think: hugging your partner mid-sentence, them apologizing when they say something way out of line or one of you validating something the other said (“That makes sense, and…”).
Hit pause. An argument will probably escalate if you or your partner feels emotionally overwhelmed while it’s happening. The Gottmans recommend calling a time-out for at least 20 minutes. Do something relaxing to take your mind off the fight. Come back to the conversation when you're both calm and it’s more likely to be productive.
My husband and I have been trying to follow the Gottmans’ advice when we get into spats. I won’t say we've magically become great fighters. However, our arguments are less heated now, and we're actually making headway instead of doing the same old song and dance. So, progress. Not bad at all.
What's a good way to resolve a disagreement? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
