Was there a phrase that tipped you off that you needed to set boundaries with a person? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
You know how sometimes you can just feel that someone is going to be a pain in the butt? Maybe it’s the random colleague you always try to avoid. Or that person who turns the most innocent conversation into a debate every time. Or the friend who constantly complains and makes even the brightest days feel gloomy.
But what really makes someone “difficult?” “Being a ‘difficult’ person can be a very subjective experience, varying from person to person and situation to situation,” says Sonja Malcolm, a licensed professional counselor and owner of Mindspring Wellness Counseling in New Jersey. “What one person considers difficult, another might view as assertive or direct,” she explains. So, honestly, a difficult person can be whoever feels difficult to you.
Being aware that a person is challenging can help you prepare yourself for interactions with them so you know how to respond, especially in a work situation where you can’t avoid the person, says Malcolm. In your personal life, it can also help you set boundaries or know when it’s time to let someone go.
Sometimes, it’s easy to spot that person who will work your nerves. Other times, it’s less obvious. But if you pay attention, their words can be a dead giveaway. See if any of these “I’m probably about to test your patience” phrases ring a bell.
1. “It’s not my fault.”
Malcolm says one characteristic many difficult people share is they lack accountability. So if someone is quick to say “not my fault,” they probably have trouble admitting when they’re wrong. “They tend to blame others or make excuses for their behavior, which shows that they haven’t accepted the negative impact of their behavior, are not remorseful and are likely to repeat the same behavior,” says Malcolm.
2. “I’m just telling the truth.”
Another version: “I don’t sugarcoat.” These lines usually come after the person says something cruel or offensive (or just plain dumb) about you or someone else. “This is passive-aggressive and lacking accountability because it’s obviously dismissing the impact of the critical, negative, or judgmental statement that preceded it,” says Malcolm.
3. “I don’t trust anybody.”
According to Psychology Today, excessive suspiciousness and unwarranted distrust of others can be a sign someone is difficult. Malcolm adds that people who say things like this may be manipulative or pessimistic.
4. “I hate when people try to tell me what to do.”
When someone says something like this, they’re admitting they’re uncooperative. “They resist working with others or following instructions, which makes it hard to collaborate and get things done,” says Malcolm. Consider yourself warned.
5. “I never said that.”
This isn’t about one of those times you misheard or misunderstood someone or they forgot what they said. Here, we’re talking about someone flat-out denying they said (or did) something when you and them both know they did. This kind of behavior is lying at best or gaslighting at worst.
6. “What’s the point?”
Some people can be difficult to be around because they’re overly pessimistic. “They tend to focus on the negative aspects of situations or people,” says Malcolm. When you're around this person, it may seem like they're always going through something, constantly expecting the worst or talking down on others.
7. “I told you [or her, him, them] so.”
This may be a clue you’re dealing with a know-it-all. Someone big on I-told-you-sos probably always has an answer for everything and isn’t open to other viewpoints.
8. “I’m fine.”
If someone says they’re fine when it’s clear they’re feeling some type of way toward you or a situation, it’s classic passive-aggressive behavior. Rather than addressing the issue, people like this might pout, make little indirect remarks, have a stank attitude or give you the silent treatment.
9. “Why can’t you be more like ___?” or “____ did it this way.”
This one might veer into red flag territory, depending on the circumstances. “This statement is manipulative because it is an effort to change [someone] through denigrating their behavior or who they are,” says Malcolm. If this is said in a romantic relationship, it’s even more of a problem. “Most people desire to be seen and accepted for who they are, so making the negative comparisons like this can be manipulative and emotionally abusive,” Malcolm explains.
10. “We can take it there.”
If someone says this or something similar, they’re letting you and everybody else know the deal. They’re argumentative and have no issue getting into it with anyone — whenever and wherever. If possible, avoid at all costs.
Boundaries are your best friend when it comes to dealing with difficult people. The thing is boundaries aren’t rules for the other person; they’re an agreement with yourself about how you’ll react in certain situations, says Malcolm.
For example, say you’re having a conversation, and the person is getting loud. You could say, “I’m going to walk away from you if you continue raising your voice when speaking with me,” says Malcolm. Or, if a coworker keeps bugging you after hours with calls and emails for non-urgent matters, she recommends, “I don’t work after 6 p.m. or on weekends.” The most important thing about boundaries is that you follow through. So, if the person keeps raising their voice, walk away from the conversation. Or if that coworker continues to pester you about stuff on the weekends, don’t respond until Monday.
Setting clear boundaries — and sticking to them — are important for keeping your cool and reducing stress when dealing with difficult people. “Boundaries protect your energy, your time, your internal resources and your capacity,” says Malcolm.
Was there a phrase that tipped you off that you needed to set boundaries with a person? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
