How did you meet a special friend in your life, and what drew you closer or keeps you close? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
When Shari Thompson of Milpitas, California’s husband died in 2023 after a long battle with bone marrow cancer, she started to lose touch with friends that she and her husband had made as a couple.
She had no hard feelings. “I get it,” said Thompson, 59. Their lifestyles were now different. But that didn’t keep her from feeling lonely. She missed little things like the texts she’d receive from her husband throughout the day.
“There was someone who always checked on me, someone who always cared where I was,” she said.
Now she receives check-ins once again, having reconnected with three friends she’s had since elementary school and junior high.
We need people in our life who just love us without all the extra.
The four friends connect via group text every morning and at bedtime. They share about their workouts, encouraging their sister-friends to get in their steps too. They candidly discuss any and everything from men to money. They enjoy girls’ trips.
“They are my new ride-or-dies,” Thompson says. “It's exactly like we were in junior high all these years later. It has been a godsend.”
Friends help keep us healthy
Last year, United States Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy released an advisory highlighting loneliness as a public health crisis that can be as harmful as smoking daily. Disconnection can lead to a 29% increased risk of heart disease, a 32% increased risk of stroke, and a 50% increased risk of developing dementia for older adults.
“One thing about humans that is true from the time of conception throughout life is the desire to feel connected, said LaTasha Toney, a licensed clinical social worker who offers counseling in Alabama. “I heard Gayle King and Oprah say that they talk about absolutely nothing sometimes. We need people in our life who just love us without all the extra. Feeling connected helps to reduce stress which can help to prevent various health issues like high blood pressure, some bowel issues, and even a weakened immune system.”
Sometimes we have to take time and get to know people in various seasons before deciding if they are a friend. Just be open to the process of making friends and don’t go in with too many expectations.
As our lifestyles change, so can our friendships
Bilen Mesfin Packwood, 46, gave birth to her daughter 6 years ago.
“Motherhood has transformed how I view love, relationships, and time. I have a lot less time for what is not real, transformative or meaningful and that certainly impacts friendships,” she says. Many recently formed friendships have been with other new moms, women who can come alongside her to navigate this new era of life.
“It is important that people accept change as a constant,” Toney said. “While seasons look different, each is necessary. It is important that we focus on what is needed in [a given] season.”
When life gets real, you need real friends
Packwood, owner of a communications consulting firm, still prioritizes her connection with longtime friends, even across time zones. “Life gets hella real, and you need to know who you can count on,” says the busy mom, who is based in Oakland, California, while some of her closest friends are in Georgia and New York.
She connects via “occasional long conversations on the phone, and prioritized time together whenever we are in the same state,” she says. “And lots of texts!”
Life gets hella real, and you need to know who you can count on.
What happens if you lose touch? Recently widowed Shari Thompson found that with true friendships, it’s easy to pick up where you left off. “Years could go by, and if you called one, it was exactly like you just talked to them yesterday,” she said.
“Sometimes we can create all kind of scenarios in our head about what will happen if we reach out to someone,” Toney observes. “However, we never truly know what will happen unless we try.”
For many, friendship has more to do with life stage than age.
Though Thompson’s experience as a widow is different from that of her friend who’s going through a divorce and from the two friends who never married, all four of the women are now navigating singlehood together.
Like Packwood, Rhonda Lyle had her first child in her 40s. Having children later in life meant the parents of her daughter’s peers were often younger than Lyle. That didn’t stop her from making connections. Over 20 years later, these women still keep in touch, thanks to a group text that Lyle started.
“We all know that we can depend on each other no matter what and those types of friendships are very, very valuable to me,” says Lyle, who’s now 68. “I'm closer to these ladies than I am to some of my own family.”
Most of the friendships Lyle has forged since relocating to Charlotte in 2020 after living abroad have been with “youngsters,” as she calls them, in their 40s and 50s. They bond over common interests. Lyle loves to travel and try new restaurants. She’s part of a local writing club too.
Following her mother’s advice, Shirlene Bridgewater, a 73-year-old poet and retired teacher based in Texas, has been intentional about befriending people younger and older than she is.
“The perspective of various age groups is one of the keys to keeping my mind sharp and enjoying [new] activities,” Bridgewater says.
However, she does think it’s key to have some friends who understand your current stage of life. “Only another woman can understand the changes in our bodies as we get older, share their experiences, and offer support,” she said. “We exchange anecdotes that help us know we’re not alone.”
True Friendship Is a Judgement-Free Zone
The women Bridgewater met during her time as a student at Spelman College are her closet friends today. Now that they’re retired, they have regularly scheduled Zoom meetings, travel and read books together. They discuss politics, pop culture, and relationships. They support one another through life’s joys and trials.
“At this stage of my life, my closest friends know there’s not much time left for pretense and that vulnerability creates stronger bonds,” Bridgewater said. “Judgment is left behind.”
When she’s hit with the waves of grief, “I can text them and say, ‘It’s a struggle for me today,’” Thompson says. “I don't have to hide it. They don't rush me out of it. They witness it.”
Zoom, WhatsApp, texting, FaceTime, and more
During the pandemic, “We started a Zoom book club and met every two to three weeks to discuss books and our lives,” Bridgewater said. “As our Spelman 50th Golden Girls Reunion approached, we met by Zoom almost weekly. Then we took a trip together and plan to do the same next year.”
Video conferencing and social media are great tools to help us stay connected with friends who live in different parts of the country or world.
Not all friends need to be all things
Bridgewater has learned that not all friendships are meant to last forever.
“Some friendships have lasted through time, no matter what, while other friendships have been a part of my life for a moment to learn a lesson, share an experience, or to help us both feel a sense of belonging,” she said.
Packwood has learned that a friend doesn’t need to meet all needs.
“There are friends that match an interest or passion you may have versus being all the things, and that works too,” she said.
So remember it’s okay to have friends you only spend time with at church services and events, friends who are just your card playing buddies, or friends who you meet up with for neighborhood walks.
Learn the four ‘Be’s’ of budding friendships
Whether you’ve moved to a new city or entered a new life stage, here are a few things to keep in mind about making new friends.
Be a friend to a have friend. “I try to think much more about what I am giving versus what I am expecting when it comes to friendship,” Packwood said.
Toney echoed this sentiment.
It is important to remember that friendship goes two ways,” she said. “I think friendships need to be treated like dating. Take time to really get to know the person and understand who they are. And everyone is not going to be a bestie right away. Sometimes we have to take time and get to know people in various seasons before deciding if they are a friend. Just be open to the process of making friends and don’t go in with too many expectations.”
Be willing to step out of your comfort zone. Bridgewater is a shy introvert who loves spending quiet time at home. But she knew doing this and only this wouldn’t help her make or maintain friendships. “I’ve had to learn to be more vulnerable and share who I am, which has deepened my friendships,” she said. “A sense of self-love and confidence go a long way in maintaining relationships. In years past, I would have never walked up to someone in the grocery store and talked about Texas versus California peaches. But today I’d do it in a heartbeat. That person might end up as a new friend.”
Be yourself. Though Bridgewater pushed herself to be more outgoing she’s never changed who she is as a person.
“Today, our culture wants us to look younger, act younger, think younger, but be yourself, and don’t pretend to be anyone else,” she said. Join groups in line with your interests to find new friends.
“Be curious about people,” Bridgewater added. “But value what you have to offer.”
How did you meet a special friend in your life, and what drew you closer or keeps you close? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
