Has a friend or loved one ever checked in on you at just the right moment when you were feeling upset? Do you check in on your strong friends? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
You invite your friend to lunch. She says she’s busy. You ask if she wants to hang out with you and the girls one day next week. She declines. She barely answers your calls or responds to your texts.
You’re probably wondering what’s up with the cold shoulder all of a sudden? Is she ghosting you? Did you do something to offend her?
Before you jump to conclusions, it’s important to figure out if the person is really ghosting you or if they’re falling back from everyone.
Before you jump to conclusions, it’s important to figure out if the person is really ghosting you or if they’re falling back from everyone. Pulling away from others can be an early sign that a friend or loved one is struggling mentally. The last thing you want to do is assume the worst and abandon someone you care about in their time of need.
Here’s how to tell if your friend is struggling rather than giving you the boot:
1. It’s not just you. “With ghosting, there’s usually a specific person or social group that someone may have pulled away from,” says Tyffani Monford Dent, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist at MetroHealth in Cleveland, Ohio. Social withdrawal, on the other hand, is more widespread. “Social withdrawal is someone who is withdrawing likely from all of their social connections and activities in which they previously found comfort, pleasure or support,” says Dr. Dent. So, if you notice the person has also distanced themselves from others, doesn’t post as much on social media, or has stopped going to their usual activities, those are signs it may be social withdrawal.
Pulling away from others can be an early sign that a friend or loved one is struggling mentally. The last thing you want to do is assume the worst and abandon someone you care about in their time of need.
2. Something’s going on in the person’s life. Social withdrawal may occur due to extreme stress, feeling overwhelmed or mental health issues like depression or anxiety. Life changes such as a recent death in the family, job loss, or breakup could also indicate social withdrawal instead of ghosting. “Sometimes, with Black women, we’re just told to figure it out, we need to handle it. So if I’m overwhelmed and not figuring it out, I might step away from everybody because I don’t want you to see me struggling and I don’t want the judgment,” Dr. Dent explains.
3. The fade away is gradual. “Ghosting is one day they’re here, and the next day they’re not,” says Dr. Dent. Social withdrawal occurs more slowly. Dr. Dent says the person may go from being super responsive to not answering calls as often, or they may still hang out occasionally but be less engaged or leave early, until eventually, they stop answering calls or showing up at all.
4. There were verbal clues. People who are struggling may talk about feeling stressed, overwhelmed or needing a break before they begin withdrawing socially, Dr. Dent says.
5. Something may seem “off.” It could be related to the person’s appearance, behaviors or habits. For example, your sister who's always been meticulous about her hair may go days or weeks without doing anything to it. Or she may seem more irritable or negative, come across as if she’s in a fog, complain about frequent headaches or stomach issues, or drink more or use drugs, which can be signs of depression.
If you think someone you care about is socially withdrawing:
Try to notice the signs early. Social isolation increases the risk of health issues such as high blood pressure, heart disease, depression, obesity and early death. The longer someone withdraws, the more they’ll be stuck in that withdrawal, says Dr. Dent.
Reach out. Call, text or visit if the person’s open to it. Let your friend know you’re worried. It’s also helpful to name what you’re seeing so the person knows why you’re concerned,” says Dr. Dent. So, you might say, “I haven’t heard from you in several days when we usually talk every day. Is everything okay? I’m here if you want to talk about anything.”
Listen. When someone is going through it, we often tend to try to solve their problems. Don’t. Sometimes people just need someone to listen, without judgment or “you should” advice.
Suggest support. If the person doesn’t want to open up to you, encourage her to speak with someone else or a mental health professional.
Check in regularly. Call, text, send funny or uplifting memes and continue to invite the person to hang out to remind them you care.
But respect her space and protect your own mental health. If your attempts to connect have been unanswered for a while, you may choose to step back. Dr. Dent suggests still leaving the door open with something like, “I’ve been reaching out to you for a few months and haven’t heard from you. Whenever you decide you want to talk to me, I’m here for you.”
Has a friend or loved one ever checked in on you at just the right moment when you were feeling upset? Do you check in on your strong friends? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
