Have you experienced someone having a grownup tantrum? What's the best way you know to deal with an emotionally immature adult? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Ever found yourself in a conversation that made you go, “Huh?’ As in a little confusion bubble would pop up over your head if you were in a cartoon. You’re stunned by the nonsense coming your way. Or thinking, “This grown person is acting like a toddler.”
That, my friend, probably means you’re dealing with someone who’s emotionally immature. Despite our big ole’ ages, some folks haven’t developed certain emotional skills.
“Emotional immaturity refers to someone's inability to manage negative or uncomfortable emotions like disappointment, guilt, insecurity, anger grief and resentment — both their own and others,’ says Sonja Malcolm, a licensed professional counselor and owner of Mindspring Wellness Counseling in New Jersey. “Their responses to these difficult emotions tend to be similar to what you might expect from a child — tantrums shutting down, lying, avoiding responsibility, and an inability to work through conflict,” she says.
Emotional immaturity refers to someone's inability to manage negative or uncomfortable emotions like disappointment, guilt, insecurity, anger grief and resentment — both their own and others.
This stunted emotional growth may be due to parents who discouraged talking about feelings or poorly modeled how to deal with emotions, or it could result from neglect or trauma, Malcolm adds.
Now, just to be clear, we all do emotionally immature things at times. The difference is for some of us, emotionally immature behaviors occur every so often. For others, it happens the majority of the time, which points to emotional immaturity.
The good news is whether you’re getting to know someone, or you’ve known them forever, emotional immaturity shows up clearly in conversations. These lines below may indicate someone has some growing to do. If any of it sounds familiar, either in yourself or someone you know, therapy can be a good way to go. It can help you work on personal growth and improve your relationships or give you tools to better deal with the emotionally immature person in your life.
Their responses to these difficult emotions tend to be similar to what you might expect from a child — tantrums shutting down, lying, avoiding responsibility, and an inability to work through conflict
10 ways emotional immaturity shows up in conversation
1. “It’s not my fault.”
This may be something you quickly notice about an emotionally immature person. “They struggle to take responsibility for their actions, particularly when called out as having done something wrong or hurtful,” Malcolm says. They’ll blame anyone and anything, just not themselves.
2. “I said what I said.”
Yep, it made the list. “This saying appears to demonstrate rigidity and could be emotional immaturity, an unwillingness to see the perspective of others, but it could also be a boundary being set when the person feels their boundaries are being crossed,” Malcolm says.
How to spot the difference? If “I said what I said” is their go-to when someone disagrees or calls them out on their stuff, it’s likely immaturity, not boundaries, Malcolm says.
3. “It’s not that serious.”
You might also hear this as “Let it go” or “Just move on.” Immature people are bad at working through problems. They prefer to sweep things under the rug.
4. “I don’t do apologies.”
“A person who is unwilling to apologize is being open about their disinterest in accountability, and they’re leaving the door open to repeat the same behavior,” Malcolm says.
5. “That’s not my problem.”
This is a bratty way of saying, “I don’t care.” According to Psychology Today, emotionally immature people tend to be preoccupied with themselves and show little empathy for others — even when the issue should be their problem.
6. “I don’t have to explain myself to you.”
We’re not talking about when someone says no to a favor or invite. They don’t owe you an explanation. This is about when they use this line to shut down conversations about their actions or to avoid accountability. “Emotionally immature people often have trouble calmly discussing points of conflict or having to answer for their behavior,” says Malcolm. So, they’re quick to drop this line to dodge tough topics.
7. “You’re being too sensitive.”
“Accusing someone of being overly sensitive or overreacting after behaving in a hurtful way is a form of gaslighting,” says Malcolm. They’re trying to make you think the problem is you, not their lousy behavior.
8. “That’s just how I am.”
Red flag alert! This is someone stuck in their ways and not trying to improve. “When someone says this, it’s a good idea to listen and take them at their word. Don’t expect change from this person,” says Malcolm.
9. “What about me?”
The world revolves around the emotionally immature person — or at least it does in their mind. Even if they don’t say, “What about me?” directly, their actions make it clear. Think sulking if they aren’t the center of attention, redirecting the conversation back to themselves or showing no interest in what others have going on.
10. “Well, I wouldn’t have… if you didn’t …”
There’s nothing wrong with someone letting you know how your behavior impacts them. However, when it’s done only after you call them out for something first, it becomes an issue, says Malcolm. Again, it’s the lack of accountability. “In the face of conflict, emotionally immature people may deflect or blame others, lie to get out of the situation or even resort to attacking behavior or name-calling,” Malcolm says. Other variations you might hear include, “Well, you’re not perfect either” and “If you weren’t so …, I wouldn’t have to …”
It can be tough interacting with someone who’s emotionally stuck in grade school. The simple solution would be to cut them off. However, we can’t always avoid these people. Sometimes they’re family, friends, coworkers or even a boss.
If any of the above sounds familiar, you know how tough it can be interacting with someone who’s emotionally stuck in grade school. The simple solution would be to cut them off. However, we can’t always avoid these people. Sometimes they’re family, friends, coworkers or even a boss.
The key to protecting your mental state when interacting with someone who’s not quite there yet emotionally is strong boundaries, says Malcolm. These boundaries aren’t attempts to change the person; they’re about maintaining your peace. “Setting boundaries includes determining what your limits are and the behaviors you’re not willing to tolerate,” Malcolm explains.
For example, instead of telling someone not to yell at you or call you names, you could say, “I won’t remain in a conversation if I’m being yelled at or called names,” she advises. Then, leave the conversation if the person crosses those boundaries.
Setting boundaries includes determining what your limits are and the behaviors you’re not willing to tolerate
“Sometimes, the attacking, lashing out, gaslighting or angry outbursts [from an emotionally immature person] can veer into emotional abuse, and staying in an emotionally abusive relationship can be detrimental to one’s mental and physical health,” says Malcolm. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, whether emotional, physical or otherwise, visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Have you experienced someone having a grownup tantrum? What's the best way you know to deal with an emotionally immature adult? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
