What has been helpful to you in creating and sustaining friendships? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
I remember looking into her eyes with rage and sadness that night. After 12 years, the woman who had seen me laugh, cry, dream, and fail since the first year of college was becoming a stranger to me. For years, mutual friends would joke and call us Gina and Pam from the Martin show. So let’s call my old friend Gina. Gina and I were inseparable. We would go to parties together, tell each other secrets, and support each other through tough times. But earlier that day, I discovered she was talking about me behind my back. Things boiled to a breaking point, and I confronted her about it.
It wasn’t the first time I learned she was talking negatively about me to someone else, and our fight ended with Gina revealing things she had felt about me for a while. She didn’t know how to handle who I was becoming. Gina was comparing our lives silently and didn’t know how to tell me until it all came to a head. I was disappointed and, unfortunately, lost my trust in her. While we had so much to say, our fight concluded with only a few words. Gina asked, “Are we going to be okay?” My response was, “I don’t know.” Our friendship came to an end, and I was heartbroken. When you really think about it, she wasn’t just a friend. She was my sister, and saying goodbye to someone like that was brutal. The first question that popped into my head was, “How did we get here?” or “This can’t be it, right?” But it was “it,” and the signs were there.
There's something called the self-in-relation theory. For women, friendships are especially important to their self-concepts. Being in friendships shows us who we are.
As we survived our late teens, 20s, and some of our 30s, Gina's life and mine started to shift. We were both going in different directions, and things became less and less familiar. Initially, we both were navigating work, single life, and leaning on each other more. However, the shared interests, values, and free time became more polarized than in sync. Gina became a mom, and I was getting into a new career. Gina wanted to have more local experiences, and I wanted to travel the world. I was becoming more independent, and Gina needed to be in a community. Instead of communicating with each other about how things were developing, we swept it under the rug because of fear of the inevitable.
Grow, be yourself, and count on her to have your back
Even though there were subtle ways we were making adjustments to the changes to keep our connection intact, when one thinks of the bigger picture, we were slowly growing apart. Gina and I had different needs within a friendship, and neither of us could fulfill them. No one ever wants to think of a life without their best friend. But I have learned that even at the end, there is always a new beginning. Since I had to grieve my epic friendship breakup, it took some time for me to be okay with finding new friends.
The beautiful thing about female friendships is that cultivating a relationship with a woman can help you grow, be yourself, and count on someone to have your back no matter what. Your bond with one or a group of girlfriends gives you a space of comfort and a better understanding of who you are. Danielle Bayard Jackson, a certified Women’s Coach, Female Friendship Expert, and owner of Friend Forward, helps women create and sustain meaningful friendships. Jackson told me that we should cherish female friendships and that there are huge benefits we can gain from them.
Jackson recently released a book called Fighting For Our Friendships, in which she used her research to develop a foundational theory for women's friendships. Based on her discovery, Jackson developed a foundational theory among female friendships called the 3 S’s.
“There's something called the self-in-relation theory. For women, friendships are especially a part of their self-concepts. Being in friendships shows us who we are. Female friendships give us a sense of understanding and belonging and remind us that friendship is something greater than ourselves. We essentially learn about ourselves in the mirror of other people. We learn what we tolerate, our capacity for love, and many other things,” Jackson shared.
Last year, Jackson published a book called Fighting For Our Friendships, in which she uses her research to develop a foundational theory for women's friendships that she calls the 3 S’s.
“For the last six years, I've been dedicating my career to studying what the research had to say about women's cooperation, communication, and conflict. I noticed that no matter what discipline I was doing, you know, studying research, whether it's anthropology, sociology, or whatever, I kept seeing the same themes whenever they were talking about women and how they uniquely congregate and bond. So, I came up with the three affinity of female friendships. Those three things were symmetry, secrecy, and support. In each one of these domains, we need to feel balanced. As soon as we feel it's lacking in our friendship or not reciprocal, that causes an issue,” explained Jackson.
I could see where there was an imbalance between Gina and me. We used to be more symmetrical than we were. With our lives going in different directions, we were growing into new versions of each other and holding on to who we used to be. So, when I started to look for a new community of women, I decided I would be intentional about finding a new friend that balances who I am now and not my past. I’m a natural introvert, so putting myself out there is not my strong suit. But what kept me motivated was remembering how my former friendship helped me as a woman. I wouldn't have made it through the darkest of days without having a female friend. Keeping that in mind, I referenced Jackson’s 3 S’s theory while moving forward and gaining a new friend or tribe in my life.
The 3 S’s of female friendships
Symmetry
“Symmetry is when there’s a feeling of balance and reciprocity. This feeling of we're both equal. There's no power struggle. It's essential for women to feel the same. At the same time, men have the space to roast each other a little bit or compete playfully. But women, we don't do that. For example, if a woman says I ran five miles last night. Most of the other women will go, ‘Oh, that's amazing. That's so great.’ But with men, one of them could say, ‘Oh, I ran seven miles last night. But it's not a threat to the friendship. For women, if somebody says they ran seven miles last night, we all are going to look at each other like, ‘Oh okay, well that wasn't necessary.’ It could feel threatening if a woman is critiquing your parenting, your career choices, the romantic interests you're pursuing, how you dress, etc. Those little comments convey that her choices are superior to yours,” Jackson stated.
At an old corporate job, I connected with a woman named Danielle. We worked well together on different advertising campaigns and started getting to know each other more outside of the office. Even though we lived in various states, Danielle and I were on the same page when navigating our careers, passions, and what we looked for in friendships. We did not see each other as competition. We respected each other and ultimately allowed each other to be ourselves. Because of that, we both learned that we were more alike than we thought. It also helped us trust each other in other areas of our lives. Now, we discuss dating, work, family, the latest trending news, faith, you name it. When you can talk to another woman about specific topics without judgment, you two can get along and enjoy each other's company in the long run. It’s refreshing to be on the same page rather than feeling you are forcing things to make it work.
Danielle and I eventually left our company and stayed in touch. Our friendship has grown exponentially. We went from coworkers to becoming excellent friends, cheering each other on.
Secrecy
“Secrecy is not necessarily focused on literal secrets, but the essence of that. So, we are in a mutually exclusive vault with trust and self-disclosure. Sharing is the glue of women's friendship. This is why you start to question things if you notice you are sharing something with a friend and she is not sharing back. Or if she tells somebody else about the promotion, the boyfriend, or the pregnancy before telling you, you'll wonder what that means,” said Jackson.
As I mentioned before, I am an introvert. So, sharing information about myself and being vulnerable happens with a select few. But thankfully, I have gotten better at slowly opening myself up to people and, in turn, women confiding in me about their stuff. While dealing with a romantic breakup, I attended an R&B concert. I sat beside a woman named Briana there, and we casually talked about the wine selection at the venue. This random encounter started to turn into another new friendship that has been beneficial to me. Briana and I started to meetup on Friday mornings to do yoga at the beach. Yoga became our vent sessions where we could confide in each other about life, romantic relationships, and career happenings. The Friday mornings became our “personal vaults” and helped cultivate our friendship to grow stronger. It’s like an unspoken pact that what goes on here stays here. Briana helped me become more vulnerable and challenged me to be more open-minded when leaning on other women. Briana reassured me that I was not alone.
Support
“Research finds that emotional support is the number one thing women look for in their same-sex friendships. I stress that because I've talked to women with guy best friends, and they admitted to giving them more leeway. Meanwhile, with women, we expect our friends to know what to do without even saying it. While that is an issue and can create a fundamental conflict, it does show we have different expectations of what support looks like between men and women. What is mainly important is to articulate what support looks like for ourselves and communicate that with our friends,” Jackson emphasized.
Briana introduced me to her best friend, Dearra. Between the two, I met more women I could get to know. I am still learning more about them, but so far, they have welcomed me with open arms. For example, I have embarked on entrepreneurship, and the group of ladies have a monthly meetup to connect, discuss our goals, and use each other's strengths to support each other however we can. These meetups have helped me feel supported as I navigate different seasons in my life. The meetups also helped define what an ideal tribe can look like for me. By being clear about my needs within a friend group, sooner or later, I can identify who I can include in the community I am still searching for.
So, even though it may be hard to imagine starting over again after losing someone, it is possible to find healthy friendships when you use the three S's as your foundation. Now, I have a few friends from different walks of life that I wouldn't trade for the world.
What has been helpful to you in creating and sustaining friendships? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
