If you journal about any topic, what method do you use? Do you use journal prompts, or do you write stream of consciousness. Share your thoughts in the comments below.
When I was in my late 20s and early 30s, I began hearing and reading stories about the toll that menopause could take on a woman’s libido. In my mid-30s I made a note to self to discuss this matter with my gynecologist if I started seeing symptoms of perimenopause such as hot flashes and night sweats, irregular periods, vaginal dryness, brain fog and mood swings. But before any of that could happen, life had different plans.
At age 38, I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. The cancer was HR-positive – the term used to describe cancer cells with receptors for estrogen or progesterone, hormones that promote cell growth. So, I was placed on estrogen-blocking medication once I completed chemotherapy and radiation. Thus, I was hurled into menopause before my 40th birthday.
Even though I was entering this stage of life more than a decade before I thought I would, I was ready thanks to something tucked in my nightstand drawer–MY JOURNAL!
I’ve always turned to journaling to help me face challenges. I knew that menopause had the potential to wreak havoc on my sex life, not to mention the impact that a breast cancer battle can have on a woman’s body confidence. So, I started a sex journal.
Now I’m one of those people who loves buying fancy journals (I think I actually own every journal that Target sells) but starting a journal can be as simple as picking up a composition notebook at the dollar store. If pen and paper aren’t your jam, you could also journal in the Notes app of your phone or use a journaling app to start your sex journal.
What is a sex journal?
Just as you may use a journal to reflect on your day or keep track of your progress with personal or professional goals, you could also use journaling to examine – and improve – your sex life.
A sex journal can help you process past experiences, learn more about your sex drive, and better communicate with your partner.
“I definitely recommend that my clients journal about their sexuality,” said Myisha Battle, a certified clinical sexologist, author, and host of KCWR’s “How’s Your Sex Life?” – a sex and dating podcast. “I think for women who are experiencing perimenopause and menopause, as well as any other medical issues or health issues that may affect sexual functioning, it's a great way to chart how you're feeling about those changes and also what's going on with your body.”
If life and low libido mean that sex is the furthest thing from your mind, a sex journal can change that, if that’s what you desire.
I definitely recommend that my clients journal about their sexuality.
“A lot of women who are experiencing perimenopause and menopause, in particular say, ‘I just don't even think about it,’” Battle said. “A dedicated practice of sitting down and journaling can be that way to tap back into that energy. I think it helps to stay in touch with that aspect of yourself and it can help with increasing libido because you're thinking about it more actively.”
If you’re unhappy with your sex life currently, you could use your journal to consider what it could look like in the future.
“The brain is the biggest sex organ that we have,” Battle said.
My Sex Journaling Journey
Even though I’m a woman who believes in being her husband’s girlfriend, I wasn’t focused on boosting my libido solely for my husband’s benefit. And I also knew this was about so much more than sex.
For me, this was about falling in love with my new body. A body that now had new scars. A body that had thicker thighs and a fleshier waistline than before. So, I used my journal to write love letters to my favorite body parts and notes of appreciation to body parts I’m still learning to love.
The brain is the biggest sex organ that we have.
I made a lot of lists. Lists of things that make me feel sexy. Lists of my favorite small acts of self-care. And I put the lists into action. Through journaling, I realized how much wearing a nice bra and panty set can shift my mood. So, I’d wear sexy lingerie on an ordinary day while doing a mundane task. Walking through the supermarket wearing my latest Savage x Fenty set under jeans and a t-shirt made me feel like I had a sexy secret.
Because I believe self-care is self-love in action, prioritizing my favorite soul-nourishing practices (and writing about how it felt when I did) made a huge difference too. I wrote about the peace of taking time for a long bath or a slow morning sipping tea; the joy of buying myself fresh flowers each week or getting dressed up and taking myself on a solo date.
And yes, I wrote about sex. Some people use their sex journals to write about sex fantasies for the future, but I used my journal to ponder the past. I journaled about the times when I’ve felt the most body confident in the bedroom so I could examine why and plot a path for getting back to my most sexually assured self. Of course, I feel sexier on vacation when I don’t feel the stress of work or caring for my aging parents. But these journal entries highlighted the importance of everyday self-care. For instance, when I’m sticking with my workout regimen, I feel better naked whether or not my clothing size or the number on the scale has changed. My journal entries remind me that exercise helps me feel more connected to my body, too.
But as I journal, I also remember I am more than my body. As I write about my accomplishments and even who I am as a person, I start hyping myself up: “Girl, your essence is sexy! Just the thought of you is a turn on!”
Here’s another interesting discovery: Because I’m a social butterfly I used to think I needed a date night to get in the mood, but my husband is a bit of a homebody. Through my journaling, however, I realized that even a girls’ night out gives me a boost of confident energy that can easily shift to sexual energy once I’m home with my man.
How to Start Your Intimacy Journal
If you feel a bit bashful about the idea of starting a sex journal, you’re not alone.
“I think it's totally normal to have some fears, some anxieties and even some sadness that can come up when you think about writing about your sex life,” Battle said. “Be gentle with yourself and accepting that this is going to stir up some emotion, and hopefully it does, because emotional content is the best stuff to work with in journaling. It's these powerful topics that get us to start thinking about ourselves in new ways and really accept and love ourselves more fully.”
Battle recommends using prompts to get started with your sex journaling, especially if you’re in a period of transition or change. She recently interviewed Emily Nagoski, author of Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections, for her podcast who offered these questions to consider:
- What do you like about sex when you like sex?
- What don't you like about sex when you don't like sex?
- What do you want when you want sex?
- What do you not want when you don't want sex?
Once you’re ready to dig deeper, Battle says you should try Ev’Yan Whitney’s Sensual Self: Prompts and Practices for Getting in Touch with Your Body: A Guided Journal.
Furthermore, Battle recommends reaching out to a licensed mental health practitioner if sex journaling uncovers any sexual trauma that you need help processing.
If you’re worried about someone finding your journal, you can keep it in a locked box or drawer or opt for a digital journal that you can keep locked away in your phone.
You could maintain a sex journal with your partner, but Battle recommends journaling alone first to allow your thoughts to flow freely. You can then later discuss with your partner any issues that came up during your writing.
My husband knows I journal about sex because he knows I journal about everything. But my sex journal is for my eyes only.
I won’t lie, when I was going through chemo and radiation, it was impossible to feel sexy. I’d lost all my hair, I was perpetually nauseous, and my skin hurt. But once I rang the bell signaling my active treatment was over, I traded my cancer journal for my sex journal, and despite all the changes my body has experience over the past four and a half years since my diagnosis, the sensual part of my marriage has remained healthy and happy against the odds. I initiate sex so often my husband jokes about barely being able to keep up with me. And during our intimate moments I’m able to transcend any self-consciousness I may feel about my new body and simply bask in pleasure and joy.
If you journal about any topic, what method do you use? Do you use journal prompts, or do you write stream of consciousness. Share your thoughts in the comments below.
