What's something you were reluctant to let go of that later felt like a burden lifted, an opportunity for growth or a new beginning? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Several months ago, I was really going through it. I had overloaded myself with work, extracurricular activities and trying to help other people handle their issues. Basically, I was overcommitted, stressed beyond belief, and not doing well at all.
Still, I kept trudging along. After all, as I’ve always said, “I’m not a quitter.” However, I talked it over with a friend and she pointed out how the “don’t quit” mindset negatively affects us sisters.
I kept trudging along. As I’ve always said, ‘I’m not a quitter.’ However, a friend pointed out how the “don’t quit” mindset negatively affects us sisters.
As Black women, we often find ourselves stuck in situations and roles that don’t really serve us — relationships that drag us down, jobs that expect the most and pay us the least, commitments that drain our energy.
Experts say that sometimes quitting is the best choice. “Stepping away from unfulfilling roles opens doors to new opportunities and personal growth,” says Dionne Mahaffey, Psy.D., LPC, an organizational psychologist and psychotherapist in Atlanta. “Quitting can significantly improve well-being and happiness because it reduces stress and anxiety, preventing burnout and improving mental and physical health,” she adds.
However, for Black women, walking away from those unfulfilling roles can be difficult because we don’t feel we have the option to quit. “We’re expected to consistently show up 110 percent when everyone else can get by with 50 percent. When we don’t, we’re fighting negative stereotypes about our community, such as issues of being lazy, not being productive and not wanting better for ourselves,” says Tyffani Monford, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist at MetroHealth in Cleveland, Ohio.
We also know that we show up as representatives for all Black women, so if we turn something down or don’t see it through, it might reduce or eliminate opportunities for the next Black woman, she adds.
We know that we show up as representatives for all Black women, so if we turn something down or don’t see it through, it might reduce or eliminate opportunities for the next Black woman.
So, yeah. Deciding whether to quit something (and actually going through with it) can be tough. To help, ask yourself these questions:
If you’re considering quitting a job…
1. What do I need to do to get to a place where I can leave? For most of us, quitting a job on a whim is not financially feasible. Dr. Monford suggests figuring out the steps you need to take to prepare. Think how much of a financial cushion you need to build, who in your network can help you land a new position, and so on.
2. How will leaving this job improve my physical or mental health? Dr. Mahaffey says if a job is toxic or negatively affecting your mental or physical health, it’s better to move on. Imagine life without the chronic stress.
3. What am I looking for in my next position? Think about what brings you joy and engages you. This will help you tailor your job search.
If you’re thinking of ending a romantic relationship…
1. How would my life change if I left this relationship? Think about the pros and cons of ending the relationship, both the short-term and long-term ones.
2. Have I asked for what I want and need? Your partner can’t read your mind. If you haven’t already, directly communicate your needs. The issues may be fixable.
3. What would I tell my bestie if she were in this situation? You're likely to be kinder and more honest with a friend.
4. Am I concerned about my safety? If aggression, intimidation, control or abuse are present in the relationship, seek the counsel of a domestic violence organization.
If you’re thinking of cutting ties with a friend…
1. Does this friendship no longer serve me? Dr. Monford says sometimes people hold on to friendships out of habit. However, if the friendship is one-sided or toxic, it’s time to say goodbye.
2. How do I feel around this person? Is it more of a negative feeling rather than sisterhood and joy?
3. What qualities do I want in a friend? If you have other people in your life who already have those qualities, strengthen the bonds with them. Also, now you know what to look for when making new friends.
If you’re tempted to stop being a caregiver or emotional or financial helper…
1. How can I lighten the load? See if other family members, friends or professional services can help. Setting boundaries may also make the role more manageable for you.
2. Am I sticking this out for myself or others? Dr. Monford says sometimes people stay in a situation because they’re worried about what people will think or say. The truth: "They're going to talk about you anyway,” she says. Do what’s right for you.
3. What’s the worst that can happen? Regardless of what you just thought, stuff probably won’t hit the fan if you step away. There are likely other alternatives you (or someone else) can put into place to ensure the person you support still gets the help they need.
If you’re thinking of quitting an activity you participate in…
1. Am I just not feeling this anymore? “If you find yourself losing passion and motivation, it might be a signal that it’s time to move on to something that aligns better with your well-being and goals,” says Dr. Mahaffey.
2. Is it that I no longer feel challenged? If you don’t feel you’re learning or growing from the activity, think about setting new goals to build new skills and reignite that spark.
3. What other interests do I want to explore? Sometimes you must let go of something to make room for something new.
If you’re considering leaving a volunteer position…
1. Can I continue but renegotiate my terms? If you’ve overcommitted yourself but still want to volunteer, consider whether you can scale back on your hours, do a little less or contribute in other ways.
2. Am I giving up the stuff that really matters? Dr. Monford says it’s time to step back if you’re spending so much time on extracurriculars that you’re neglecting what’s important, like family, health and home responsibilities.
3. How can I exit gracefully? “Providing adequate notice is crucial, especially in professional [or volunteer] settings, as it shows consideration for others,” says Dr. Mahaffey.
I’m proud to say after the conversation with my wise sister-friend and reflecting on some of the above questions, I got the courage to make some tough but necessary decisions. I fired a client who expected way too much for too little pay and dropped a time-consuming activity. I felt bad for a short while, but I showed myself self-compassion. Prioritizing my well-being was the right move. Sometimes you have to quit to get ahead.
What's something you were reluctant to let go of that later felt like a burden lifted, an opportunity for growth or a new beginning? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
