For much of my adult life, I would approach January 1 with the same anticipation as a six-year-old on Christmas morning. My goals for the coming year would already be in place — organized by category: health, career, relationships, finances and more. I could hardly wait to start working on them.
But the last few years have been different. Discouraged by not meeting previous objectives, I’ve hesitated to set new ones. Goals that were once meticulously mapped out by the quarter, month — and even week — have been fuzzy and hard to envision. The turn of the calendar has felt less momentous.
That’s not the only thing that’s changed.
Mistakes — like saying the wrong thing in a conversation — don’t fade like they used to. Instead, I’m reliving missteps over and over — well past their moment. And I was good about celebrating my wins — even small ones like hitting my water goal for the day. Lately, though, I gloss over achievements — even big ones like landing a new writing client.
It never occurred to me until working on this article that I struggle with self-love
The signs are there, though. Perfectionism and fear of failure? Check. Comparing myself unfavorably to others? Yup. Negative self-talk and constant self-criticism. Daily.
The Brain & Behavior Research Foundation describes self-love as a state of appreciation for oneself. It’s having a high and positive regard for you — exactly as you are now. It’s accepting your emotions for what they are and putting your physical, emotional and mental well-being first.
Self-love also reduces stress, promotes resilience, increases empathy for others, contributes to self-efficacy and causes us to set healthy boundaries. It allows us to take action, take chances and take on new opportunities — much of which I’ve been missing out on as I’ve been clinging to a past version of myself.
I’ve been lacking in those areas lately. Rather than recognizing that life circumstances over the past few years (the pandemic, transitions in motherhood, the loss of my mother, a physical injury and surgery) have shifted my priorities and preferences, I’ve been rejecting this unfamiliar version of myself and have been trying to return to the me I used to be. For instance, my solution to missing goals? Catch up by aiming for bigger, more aggressive, not-likely-to-achieve targets.
Some studies and psychologists suggest multiple aspects of self-love: self-cherishing, self-acceptance, self-restraint, self-responsibility and self-persistence. Others say self-love also encompasses self-compassion, self-empathy and self-connectedness.
While self-love can be defined in various ways, developing and cultivating it is essential to our well-being. “Self-love is important because it motivates much of our positive behavior while reducing harmful behavior,” says Allaya Cooks-Campbell of BetterUp.
Self-love also reduces stress, promotes resilience, increases empathy for others, contributes to self-efficacy and causes us to set healthy boundaries. It allows us to take action, take chances and take on new opportunities — much of which I’ve been missing out on as I’ve been clinging to a past version of myself.
The power of loving ourselves also goes beyond us. Self-love educator and founder of The Self Love Organization INC. Denise Francis sees self-love as the antidote to the pressures of living up to the Strong Black Woman image. “If all Black women started a self-love journey, we could heal generations,” she says.
Expressions of self-love are unique — the same way loving other people isn’t one-size-fits-all. Also, like loving others, self-love takes effort and practice. “Self-love is actually a skill you can develop — much like self-confidence or self-trust,” says Cooks-Campbell.
A step at a time
As I learn to embrace and love this new, unfamiliar self, there are a few things I’m focusing on.
Letting go of the “shoulds.” There are many things I believe I should be doing or should have already done by now. I often tell myself that I should have achieved fill-in-the-blank at this point in my life, career, finances, etc.. While I will always set personal goals, framing them as “shoulds” puts a negative spin on them. My self-love journey means reminding myself of what I have already achieved and pursuing goals because I choose to, not because I should. As we turned the calendar page to this new year, I found myself with a bit more clarity on my goals. Rather than pressuring myself to catch up on missed accomplishments, my goals reflect where I am today and where I desire to go next.
Honoring my strengths. At the heart of self-love is liking yourself. So, my journey to more self-love means enjoying my character and giving myself permission to acknowledge and celebrate my strengths. I am patient with others. I am persistent. I am ambitious. I like those things about me. My version of self-love also means being honest about the aspects of myself that need work, not from a harsh perspective but from a healthy desire to improve.
Dropping comparisons. I refer to a friend of mine as “Younger, Cooler Me.” We have a lot in common, but she is, um, younger and cooler — not to mention better looking and richer. I’m joking when I call her that, but it’s unhelpful. It perpetuates comparisons. Plus, I would never tell a loved one that someone else is younger, cooler, prettier, richer or better than they are. Why do I say those things to myself? Letting go of comparisons won’t happen overnight, but I’m taking baby steps. Recently, my friend posted about her anniversary and shared some beautiful pictures of her vow renewal. Rather than scroll past feeling down about how differently we spent our 20th anniversaries, I enjoyed looking at her photos and left a positive comment. I was genuinely happy for her—and myself—because I could celebrate a friend without diminishing my own joy.
Extending grace. Self-compassion is a core component of self-love, but I like to use the word grace. For me, self-love means giving myself room to make mistakes, be less than perfect and not get things right every time. This is hard for me since I have perfectionist tendencies, but it’s essential to loving myself. The replays of my shameful moments may still play. But I’m turning down the volume by reminding myself that mistakes are part of the growth process and focusing on the lessons rather than the missteps.
Discovering that I struggle with self-love has been surprising and eye-opening. I recognize that loving myself unconditionally will be a lifelong journey because I am a work in progress. And that’s the point. Self-love is accepting and embracing who I am in this moment — and committing to loving and welcoming the version of “me” that shows up next — whoever and whenever that is.
