What's the best way to support a friend who is going through tough times? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
I smell strong coffee, and the tears well up.
In the produce aisle, I sniffle into a tissue.
Is that a Swiss-style chocolate truffle? Queue the waterworks.
There are people who’ve asked, “Why cry? She lived a good life.” I feel relief after crying. Shouldn’t I embrace the tears as healing? Yet they feel unwelcome.
Still. After all these years.
My maternal grandmother, Theresa, who lived to meet her first great-great-grandchild, passed away last month at 90. She drank rich, dark Café Bustelo. She chose meat and produce carefully for her large family dinners. She offered mouthwatering Lindnor Truffles to my beaming son.
Tears—and the bodily changes we experience with them, play a role in our wellness, particularly with regulating emotions and controlling stress and inflammation.
Theresa lived an amazing life. With a high school diploma, she became a manager for corporate accounts at a global banking giant. She invested her pay into purchase of a Harlem brownstone. She danced in Harlem’s historic ballrooms. She loved hard on her four kids, 12 grandkids and 23 great-grands. She traveled, had good friends, and got her groove back when she found love again in her 80s.
A life well lived. Yet I can’t stop crying.
I’m a happy individual. That’s a conscious choice. “If you want to be miserable, then shame on you,” My paternal Grandma Lucille would say. It may seem blunt and old-school, yet she taught me that I had a choice. Joy is the goal, even if it does take practice to maintain.
I never used to cry in front of others, except for my momma. She often met my teenage tears with a sigh. Rather than deal with it, she’d say, ‘Go write about it in your journal.’
Crying sucks and I’d prefer not to do it. It makes me look weird, my eyes swell, get puffy and red. My nose burns, because crying makes blood vessels dilate, increasing blood flow to the face, according to healthline.com. I never used to cry in front of others, except for my momma. She often met my teenage tears with a sigh. Rather than deal with it, she’d say, “Go write about it in your journal.”
Growing up, it was common to hear: “Stop that crying!” or “Want me to give you something to cry about?”
We’ve got lacrimal glands—aka tear glands, for a reason. Imagine if we felt social anxiety, fear or shame when our glands secrete sweat, breast milk, insulin, digestive juices or saliva—which are other products of our exocrine system?
At work? I dared not risk appearing weak to peers, bosses or clients. When I worked in fashion, I witnessed a young designer’s tears during New York Fashion Week. “She can’t handle the pressure,” people whispered.
My great aunt said, “Don’t cry in front of your husband; he’ll just pile-on more.” That was her experience. Luckily, it hasn’t been mine. Still, I never wanted to cause concern for him or our kids, so I hid in the bathroom or withheld tears. Wish I’d known all along that holding it isn’t mentally or physically good for you.
The healthy bodily function we ought to be grateful for
We’ve got lacrimal glands—aka tear glands, for a reason. Imagine if we felt social anxiety, fear or shame for secreting sweat, breast milk, insulin, digestive juices or saliva—other products of our exocrine system? Tears—and the bodily changes we experience with them, play a role in our wellness, particularly with regulating emotions and controlling stress and inflammation.
Slows breathing and heart rate Crying may help the body maintain its natural balance in the face of sadness, or stress, according to a 2020 study published by the American Psychological Association. Your heart rate lowers just before the tears flow. Crying emotional tears is self-soothing as it triggers calming, involuntary breathing patterns.
Releases pent up emotions “Crying is a natural and healthy way for the body to release pent-up emotions, including stress, sadness, frustration, and other intense feelings,” says Dr. Adwoa Akhu, Licensed Clinical Psychologist, author of Cultivating Inner Peace: A Sustainable System for Professional Black Women, and founder of sistapeace.com.
Dials down stress hormones “Crying has been shown to reduce stress hormones, such as cortisol, in the body, explains Dr. Akhu. “When stress becomes chronic or overwhelming, finding healthy outlets for emotional expression, like crying, can contribute to a more balanced stress response.”
Why has crying become a cultural thing?
While crying may benefit everyone, Black women haven’t always been given the space.
Dr. Akhu focuses in her practice on redefining what it means to be strong. She encourages Black women to see the appropriate expression of emotion as strength. Crying doesn’t mean we’re weak.
“the Strong Black Woman is not just a stereotype. We are strong. We’ve had to be strong to hold our families and communities together through slavery, Jim Crow, and the current landscape of oppression,” she says. “The problem is not in us being strong. The problem is the definition of strength.”
In a 2023 study published in the Annals of Behavioral Medicine, researchers conducted focus groups with 37 Black women, 30 to 94, who were undergoing breast cancer treatment. This is a valid reason to cry if there ever was one as Black women have some of the worst breast cancer outcomes, with a 40 percent higher mortality rate. Researchers found evidence of the Strong Black Woman (SBW) stereotype present in Black women’s treatment. Participants reported expectations from medical staff and others that they demonstrate strength, suppress emotions, and not require additional support.
Let’s add tears to our wellness toolkit. “Allowing oneself to cry and acknowledging emotions is an act of self-compassion,” says Dr. Akhu, “It's a way of honoring and validating one's feelings, which is crucial for the mental well-being of Black women—something we have denied ourselves for far too long.”
Let’s add tears to our wellness toolkit
Ask yourself with whom you can shed tears in emotional safety. I’m finally comfortable calling my sisters when I’m in tears. It helps me to dissect distress and feel supported.
“Black women should not only allow ourselves, but encourage ourselves and each other to cry more,” says Dr. Akhu. “Sharing tears with others or seeking support during challenging times fosters social connection, essential for emotional health and inner peace. Building and maintaining strong social connections can provide a buffer against stress.”
I’m finally comfortable calling my sisters when I’m in tears. It helps me to dissect distress and feel supported.
Crying is cultural and comes more easily to members of some backgrounds than others. Women in Western countries cried more than women in West and East Africa, Asia and south America, and women cry more than men. It’s important not to judge.
“Crying is a natural and healthy emotional response that can be appropriate in various situations. Emotions are complex and unique to each individual, and what may trigger tears for one person might not have the same effect on another,” explains Dr. Akhu.
Weddings, births, funerals, movies, heart-to-heart talks, intimate moments
There are appropriate reasons to cry, yet Black women often don’t, even in these situations:
- Grief and Loss Bereavement can evoke deep emotions, and crying is a natural part of the process.
- Sadness and Sorrow During personal setbacks, disappointments, or difficult life circumstances, crying can help process those emotions.
- Joy and Happiness Tears of joy can occur during moments of happiness, such as weddings, the birth of a child, or other positive events.
- Relief and Release Crying can serve as a cathartic release for stress and tension.
- Empathy and Compassion Witnessing the suffering or pain of others can evoke empathic tears.
- Frustration and Anguish When facing challenges, setbacks, or injustice, crying express frustration, anger, or a sense of helplessness.
- Physical Pain Tears are a natural reaction to discomfort.
- Emotional Connection Crying can strengthen emotional connections between individuals, fostering understanding in relationships.
Seek professional help for crying when the intensity, duration, or impact becomes overwhelming or interferes with daily functioning. Learn more about connecting with a mental health practitioner here and here.
What's the best way to support a friend who is going through tough times? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
